The Pirate Adventurer Codex

The following is a compilation by world-renowned adventurer, buccaneer and gentleman, Sir Darrius Whitecliff. The great Sir Whitecliff decided to, on fanciful impulse, collect a wide variety of hints, tips, tricks and other advice in order to teach future generations how to properly conduct themselves as great pirate adventurers.

All of the tips that you see below were all contributed by various pirates and privateers all across the globe. Their advice covers a wide variety of subjects, from combat and diplomacy, all the way up to love and proper etiquette. It should also be noted that the following excerpts do not make-up the full compilation of the Pirate Adventurer Codex, for the Codex is constantly being revised, updated, and expanded upon on an annual basis.

Now, without further adieu, an extensive listing of tips and advice from the Pirate Adventurer Codex.

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Pirate Adventurer Tip #3

When wenching, whoring, or otherwise looking for "booty," the Captain's ex rarely, if ever, marks the spot.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #4

Although a drunk crew tends to be a very happy crew, a drunk crew also tends to be a rather inefficient (and sometimes even dangerous) crew.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #6

No matter how thirsty you may be, never finish off the captain's last bottle of rum. EVER.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #8

When it comes to your Pirate Hideout, it's highly recommended that you use a private/secret island with only one to two entrances. That way, you'll minimize potential enemy ambushes and will also greatly decrease your chances of having to deal with traveling salesmen.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #9

In order to better handle a bar fight, be sure to keep the following criterion in mind:

a) Always choose your opponent wisely.
b) Try to figure out your opponent's weaknesses first before they get the upper hand.
c) If you can no longer handle the situation, then quickly remove yourself from the vicinity.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #13

No matter what the situation may call for, fighting someone with a mackerel is not regarded as an acceptable means for dueling an opponent. Swordfish, however, are considered acceptable since in some parts of the world, the swordfish is actually recognized as an official bladed weapon of the Dueling League.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #15

When burying treasure, take the parfait approach: Bury your "real" treasure VERY DEEP. Then, fill the hole part way in and add another, smaller layer of treasure on top of that. For added layers of protection, continue adding layers until you run out of gold or run out of hole. Treasure-hunters will find the topmost layer and think that they've gotten the loot, never realizing that the real booty is modestly covered up, like that of a proper classy wench.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #16

When choosing, building or stealing a vessel, always be sure that there is sufficient room to allow for the easy maneuvering of plundered booty, as well as sufficient room for maneuvering in general.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #17

Smaller pirate ships tend to provide great speed and mobility, especially when compared to the much larger vessels available. They also tend to be better equipped when it comes to performing raids and other acts of piracy. Smaller vessels however also tend to lack proper storage facilities for alcohol.

So be forewarned, if you do decide to use a smaller ship for your pirating needs, be prepared to go many a night without your daily allotment of rum.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #18

The "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" rule does not apply when it comes to choosing a pirate crew. Be sure to choose crewmen that are very skilled in their fields but also very loyal to your cause. Otherwise, you may find yourself with a rather sharp object sticking out of your back while on a dangerous caper.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #19

Much like the "don't eat anything bigger than your own head" rule, it's highly recommended that you don't cook anything much bigger than yourself; especially if the thing you're trying to cook, doesn't want to be cooked.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #22

It's all fun and games until someone loses their other eye.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #27

Rationing your food stores is always a good idea; especially if you intend on going on a long journey at sea. Also, on a semi-unrelated note, cannibalizing your fellow crewmen is not recognized as an acceptable method for solving any food-shortage problems that may occur out on the ocean.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #32

Never open anything marked with the words "DANGER", "CAUTION", "DO NOT OPEN", or any other variant of those terms; especially when a fellow crewman tells you not to open such containers.

You may not like what you'll find inside.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #34

Always be sure to come up with a good name for your pirate crew. Specifically, try to come up with a name that both inspires fear and demands respect from your enemies. If you don't come up with a proper name, you could very well become a laughing stock within the pirate community. "The Pretty Pretty Unicorn Pirates" is a good example of such a laughably bad crew name.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #39

Always try to avoid getting drunk the night before you leave port. A bad hangover combined with a severe case of motion sickness is generally a very uncomfortable experience for both the victim and the rest of the crew.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #46

When your Captain (or other superior officer) orders you to save "the booty", they are usually in reference to any and all treasure that happens to be within the area. They very rarely mean the closest female to you that's in possession of a rather sizable posterior.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #51

When infiltrating a ball, gala or other upper-class soiree, be sure to take ballroom dancing lessons first before the big event. Ballroom dancing is generally regarded as the most dignified method of dance within the upper crust, and dancing otherwise could lead to immediate removal from the dance hall (and quite possibly a beating).

Pirate Adventurer Tip #53

Dead men may tell no tales, but they can't watch your back in a fight either. Keep your best mates close and your favorite watering holes closer; nothing says "good times" like a good bar fight!

Pirate Adventurer Tip #58

The "stick and carrot" system often works very well in creating model behavior within one's pirate crew. However, it should be noted that this system should never be taken to a literal extent. Most pirates rarely consider carrots to be a proper reward for good pirate behavior.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #66

If you ever decide to use a blunderbuss in a gun-fight, be sure to carry multiple copies of this weapon. The blunderbuss is very powerful but also very difficult to load, and in some situations, you may not be able to actually reload your firearm.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #75

Always be sure to knock before entering someone else's quarters. Otherwise, you could get savagely beaten for your intrusion.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #76

Despite what many people think, the proper way to drink rum is to first, open your mouth. Second, tilt your head back. Third, pour the rum down your throat (you have to let gravity do the work). And finally, after finishing off the bottle, throw it away and then grab another bottle of rum.

Repeat this process as many times as you like (or as many times as you can handle). Please note that a very similar system can also be used for drinking barrels of rum, straight from the tap.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #79

When in search of bigger booty, look no further than your local outdoor market. For as Kale the Lecher once said, "Thar be plenty of booty rollin' like the high seas! ARRR!"

Author's Note: The term "ARRR!" was first made popular by Leonard "Eight Toes" Gatsby, after he accidentally shot himself in the foot with his own flintlock pistol.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #83

In order to successfully flee from the Landonian Navy (or any other naval power for that matter), be sure to do either one or all of the following:

a) Avoid capture by any means currently at your disposal. Hiding/disguising one's appearance is usually the best method to avoid capture.
b) Hide all stolen loot in the most unlikely of places (if there's no evidence, there's no crime).
c) Have one to two crewmen sneak onto the naval ship and set fire to their gunpowder stores.

If none of these criteria can be accomplished, then pray you'll only get jail-time instead of the firing squad.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #87

When attempting to win over the heart of a young pirate lass, flowers and chocolates just won't cut it. Recommended gifts include the following.

a) Fancy Jewelry: bonus points if you nabbed it from a rich, well-known individual.
b) Their Favorite Food: not advised that you ask the cook to make it and then take the credit for making it yourself.
c) Good Crewman: being the most hardworking member of the crew is generally regarded as the most honest way to win her over.

Things not recommended to use include: poetry you wrote yourself, off-key singing, and flat out saying you love her and trying to kiss her by surprise. The first usually results with her losing immediate interest, the second losing all interest and the last is an almost guaranteed black-eye and possible ship cleaning duty depending on how high-ranking she is within the crew.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #99

Many pirates have been known to use eye patches in order to help them see in the dark. I.E. the constantly covered up eye is automatically accustomed to low-light conditions since it's never exposed to direct sunlight; thus, when a pirate removes his eye patch during the night (or in some other circumstance involving darkness), he'll be able to see and move around very well; almost as if he had night vision.

Therefore, one should never remove another pirate's eye patch from their face during the day. Not only could it completely ruin their night vision abilities, but it could also be classified as a very rude gesture (especially if the eye patch you removed was actually covering up an injured/scarred eye).

Pirate Adventurer Tip #104

The ship's cannons are for war, not for play. Do not attempt to launch yourself to the next island when you hear the man in the crow's nest yell, "land ho".

Pirate Adventurer Tip #111

Although there are no rules against stealing someone else's pilfered treasure, it's generally recommended that you avoid taking a fellow pirate's loot; especially if the fellow pirate in question is bigger, stronger, and in possession of some very severe anger issues.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #123

Some treasures don't have to be stolen or plundered; you can just walk up and ask for them. For instance, one could walk up to someone and say "Might I see your coin purse/pocket watch/traveling bag?", then, when they're caught off guard, have a mate just walk up and womp them on the head. Then, you can just take their loot.

Easy money, my friend!

WARNING: Using this method will not guarantee easy money. If not executed properly, it could lead to getting your own head womped and your own pocket picked.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #137

The "jolly roger" (a.k.a. skull and crossbones) is the most common insignia used by pirates, since it so easily conveys the concepts of both fear and death to friend and foe alike. However, it should be noted that the Proper Pirate Adventurer should apply his/her own "spin" on this classic symbol; otherwise, it could lead to possible lawsuits of copyright infringement from other pirate adventurers.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #142

If one wishes to have a pet accompany them on their grand adventures, then the classic parrot is usually a good choice for many would-be pirate captains. Other pet options include monkeys, snakes, spiders, and any other creature that's both light and "capable of being menacing".

Some inappropriate pet choices would be horses, large reptiles of any variety, and anything semi-mythical in nature, like krakens and leviathans; which are not only far too big to properly care for, but also completely nonexistent.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #142-A

Should you wish to keep a parrot (or any other creature with the ability to mimic speech) as a companion, be careful not to say mutinous or untoward comments about the Captain around them, lest they repeat them in said Captain's presence (and hang you from the yardarm for it).

Pirate Adventurer Tip #151

Only a fool would try to convince a pirate that their treasure is worthless.

Pirate Adventurer Tip #167

Always make sure to have several pairs worth of clean clothes, as life on the open waves can be tough. This especially holds true for when you've torn your wardrobe to shreds, either through combat or by just trying to put on pants that are actually a couple sizes too small.